week 29 - beginning 23th June
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entries first click here
Update - Emma's known where
her birth mother lives for 6 months now and also found out she's
not on the Adoption Contact Register which makes her more nervous
about contacting her. She has an adoption social worker who
is gently encouraging her to move forward with her search. She
recently fell in love with her best friend, John, who jilted
her for someone else, and now it looks like she might be getting
involved with somebody else herself.
I had a good counselling session this afternoon. My counsellor
got me to decide to give up all desperate hope that I will ever
find the love I should have had as a baby and young child. I
will never have the love that I should have had when I was very
young. I can mourn that. I need to accept it. That'll take a
while! Meantime I keep crying at the loss, the loss of my mum.
I still get it mixed up with the loss of men in my life now.
I am still looking for her love in them and am grief struck
when they don't want to be with me as much as I want to be with
Alison my social worker rang, she wanted to know how things
were going and how I was feeling and did I want to continue
with the process we'd started.
This got me ringing SWAN (a local after-adoption agency) to
see if any of their intermediaries are adoptees themselves or
birth mothers. I think a birth mother would be my preference
as they would have the most understanding of my mother's position
and therefore put her most at her ease. Anyway SWAN don't have
any on their list and the only adoptee they have lives and works
in another town. So now that was sorted I felt I could just
get back to Alison and ask her to go ahead, she has already
said she would be happy to be my intermediary if I wanted her
to be. I rang her back and we made an appointment for the week
after next. Oh god!
Read some more from the adoption reader. In 'A love Story' by
Kathleen Scully Davis - Angelo the father of Kathleen's baby
is Mexican and he wants to keep the baby she is planning to
put it up for adoption. It's the birth mother speaking: "Angelo's
very large extended family were enraged. Angelo had no idea
why if I wasn't going to keep the child, why I wouldn't let
him keep it. Who ever heard of giving babies away. In the Mexican
community there is always a place for a baby."
It makes me think of how unnatural our society is that giving
a child away has become a solution. It makes me think about
how our culture doesn't support connection between people and
how the word extended family hardly means anything anymore.
I'm hoping Andy will contact me, it feels scary to contact him
because even in our friendship he's needed a lot of space. I
don't want him to feel threatened. I wonder if it's okay for
me with my abandonment issues to get involved with someone so
easily threatened. Or maybe more to the point someone with whom
I don't feel safe to show the vulnerable side of myself. Someone
who might reject me for being honest (well that's my fear anyway).
I thought I wasn't supposed to be getting involved!
Rang Andy I'm going over to see him on thursday. Its my turn
to cook dinner.
To be continued.......