week 27 - beginning 10th June 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's known where her birth mother lives for 4 months now and found out she's not on the Adoption Contact Register. She recently fell in love with her best friend, John who jilted her for someone else.

Thursday
Just got a phone call from Alison. She's got hold of my records! She talked about the letter my mother wrote which I have a copy of and said its the original. I asked 'with her ink and everything?' 'Yes' she said 'Even the rust from the original staple!' She wants me to go and see her so she can put it straight into my hands. I'll be able to ask her if she thinks the markings on my photocopy are tear drops, although its probably just my fantasy! I've got an appointment for tomorrow afternoon 1.30. Alison sounds so nice, perhaps she would be a good intermediary. It seems imperative to me that I get the right intermediary. Someone who might say the wrong thing or have the wrong attitude could influence negatively whether my mother will see me. And I would never know why or whether she might have seen me if someone else had spoken to her.

Friday
Went down to Social Services to meet Alison and we had an hour and half together by the time we'd finished. She was lovely woman and I really liked her. She's been working with adoption for 20 years and I asked her how she got into doing this work. As an ordinary social worker she worked with a 60 year old woman who had been put into a mental hospital when she got pregnant and then had her baby stolen from her (Alison said taken away). She was left in the hospital, and remained there until she was 60. By then she was completely institutionalised. When one of the doctors checked her records and found out how she came to be there he got her out and employed her as his house keeper. That's when Alison met her. It was through the experience of working with she finally decided her to specialise in adoption . It was reassuring to see the compassion on her face as she talked about this woman being given a life sentence for getting pregnant. I felt I could trust her.

She talked to me about the possibility that my mother wouldn't want to see me and asked me if I was prepared for that. I felt the grief well up inside of me and hover just below my throat. I guess the answer is no! I wasn't prepared the first time round and the thought of being rejected again feels too much to bear. Although I would bear it. I tell Alison it's my right to see my birth mother once. I tell her that it is every adopted child's right to have one meeting with their mother to lay the ghosts to rest - to fit the last pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together. I tell her if mine won't see me I will just turn up one day on her door step. My words sound hollow, I don't have the same bravado here as I do with my friends. My right. My right. I believe it even if my words do sound hollow in the cold light of day to this sympathetic stranger, sympathetic both to me and to my birth mother. She said my mother might just want to block the past off completely, might want to block me off completely, might not be brave enough to face me or her feelings. She said it as if she understood.

When I left I felt pretty churned up. I don't think I'd really entertained the possibility that my birth mother might not want to see me. I hadn't realised quite how vulnerable I feel. I'm grateful that Alison asked me the questions she did, they woke me up to the enormity of what I'm doing.

Sunday
Dad rang. While we talked I was racking my brain trying to remember what it was I'd wanted to ask him about my adoption, but I couldn't remember. I think I was too frightened.

To be continued.......