week 26 - beginning 3rd June 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's known where her birth mother lives for 4 months now and found out she's not on the Adoption Contact Register. She recently fell in love with her best friend, John who jilted her for someone else.

tuesday
Just got back from the movies. Saw Bread and Roses a true story about exploited Mexican janitors demonstrating for higher wages. They won! I cycled home feeling inspired. It was dark but warm and the scents from the bushes and flowers in bloom were intoxicating. The power of people to change things is enormous. I forget this sometimes when I feel helpless and get into thinking that things will never be right in this world. But now that I feel inspired I remember the truth is that all that stops us changing the world into a place of co-operation and love is separation. As I cycled along I was thinking - how can I be writing about adoption while people are starving to death, while people are being tortured, raped and murdered, and while big business kills to up their profit margins. Then I remembered that the only reason people are being tortured, the only reason people are dying of starvation, the only reason people are being raped, the only reason business puts profit before people is because of separation. Adoption is the ultimate in separation, but separation itself is rife in our world. It's an everyday thing.

I write and campaign about how our polluting the environment is killing us as well but even that doesn't feel enough. I wonder if I would ever feel I did enough however much I was doing? Probably not! This came to me with a sudden certainty as I realised I never felt I did enough as child to keep my mother. I failed in my attempt to be loveable enough. She never stayed. That feeling of not being enough for her haunts my every move. Every step I take towards getting my life how I want it. Every step I take towards making the world a more just place. It haunts me as I struggle to find acceptance for myself from myself. It haunts me as I reach into my heart. Well Emma I say 'Are you afraid of ghosts?' Are our patterns like ghosts, phantoms from our past that keep trying to drag us back to feeling the worst we ever felt about ourselves?

wednesday
Had this idea that John won't even be thinking about me anymore, he'll be thinking about Emma B. I'm always wondering if my birth mother thinks about me, but the wondering soon turns into imagining she isn't. Especially since I found out she married my birth father 2 weeks after my birthday. How could they celebrate so soon after the anniversary of my birth?

friday
Sent a letter to Alison at Social Services.

Dear Alison,

My name is Emma Rivers. I am adopted and need a copy of my adoption order/certificate in order to be able to get intermediary help from NORCAP in contacting my mother. I have various records of my adoption from when I was in contact with Frome Social Services in 1987 but not the adoption order. Horsham County Court told me I could only get a copy of this document through you.

My birth name is Nicola Salter born 24th May 1962 in Brighton, East Sussex. My mother was Mary Barbara Salter. I was placed for adoption with Mr and Mrs Rivers on 30th July 1962 and adopted by them at Horsham County Court in West Sussex in November 1962. I was given the name Emma Jane Rivers by my adopted parents.

What I have in my possession are a letter from my birth mother to someone, I presume the adoption agency, saying why she wanted me adopted and some official notes giving some background about my parents. I would dearly like to know if there is any other information in my file such as: was I with my birth mother up to the point of my adoption, where I was actually adopted from, which adoption agency dealt with my case, was my mother in a mother and baby home before and after my birth and so on.

Best wishes, Emma Rivers

The earliest I'll get a reply is Tuesday. Nothing to do but wait.

To be continued next week.......