week 25 - beginning 28th may 2001

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Update - Emma's known where her birth mother lives for 4 months now and found out she's not on the Adoption Contact Register. She recently fell in love with her best friend who jilted her for someone else.

monday
Missed John.

tuesday
Switched the TV on while I ate my dinner and caught the last scene of a soap opera. The woman was reading out a pregnancy test instruction -- 'look in the middle of the window and if the line is turned blue'…….she trails off holding the test tube thingy up to the light.…….a look of anguish crosses her face and she says 'Oh no' covering her face with her hands. The credits start to roll and I'm left with the words 'Oh no' ringing in my ears.

thursday
Got the newsletter from NORCAP (National Organisation for Counselling Adoptees and Parents). I read it from cover to cover out in the garden sitting under the plum tree shaded from the sun. It was full of reunion stories. There's a NORCAP adoption support group that meets in Stroud every other month. The next meeting is tomorrow night! I'll go.

friday
There were 9 of us, 6 who were coming for the first time. 2 birth mothers and 7 adoptees. We all told our stories. It took 3 hours. I was fascinated. I was the first new person to speak. I started off nervously just looking at the woman opposite but gradually as I felt people's interest I relaxed and found I could look at everyone, and then I just wanted to go on and on! It was so amazing to be talking about that part of my history knowing that everyone was fascinated to hear my story. Fascination really supports a person's words.

I was most interested in the birth mother's stories. That's the piece that's missing for me, my mother's story. I look for the possible similarities with Jeanine's story, she was the same age as my mother when she got pregnant. Jeanine spoke last sobbing all the way through. She was 15 when she found out she was pregnant and hadn't a clue how it had happened. Her mother didn't notice until she was 7 months gone. Once her son was born she tried to keep him even though her parents had disowned her. In the end the police came to the mother and baby home and told her she had to give her son up, or they'd just take him anyway. She believed what they said and signed the papers. That had been the final straw for her 16 and alone in the world. Two burly policeman telling her she had to give the child up or they would just take him anyway. She still feels so guilty although she fought so hard to keep her child. It's clear to me that a crime was perpetuated against her, she did nothing to be ashamed of. As she speaks I wonder did that happen to my mother? Is that how she felt? Once her baby was taken Jeanine had to leave the mother and baby home. She had nowhere to go. With no idea if her parents would take her back or not she went home and after apologising they took her back. It was then she found out that it was her father who'd sent the police round.

The other birth mother Linda, a no nonsense kind of woman, said she comes to the meetings because she knows how valuable it is for adoptees to hear birth mothers speak. The first few times she came she could only say one sentence before she'd collapse into floods of tears unable to say any more. Gradually she built up to two and then three sentences and slowly over the months her story came out. It has a happy ending. She searched for her daughter and found out where she lived. After 5 years of not getting a response to her letters she just turned up on her doorstep. Her daughter wanted nothing to do with her but the husband let her in and showed her into the kitchen. Sarah sat down at the table while her daughter carried on washing up, ignoring her. This went on for about 10 minutes, Linda just sitting, her daughter washing the dishes. Eventually she turned round from the sink and they fell into each others arms.

I got such a clear picture from both mothers who spoke of the pressure they were under. They couldn't get a place to live. They couldn't get jobs. They were social outcasts. No one was willing to help them keep their children. Every one said they should give them up to a better chance in life.

At any meeting like this there's always tea and biscuits. I don't drink tea but I munched through a lot of biscuits. They were laid out on a white plate in the middle on the floor, short bread and digestives. Whenever the plate got low the facilitator just tipped some more on. I couldn't help noticing that I ate the most. Am I the only adoptee with a sugar addiction?

To be continued next week.......