week 21 - beginning 28th April 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's known where her birth mother lives for 4 months now and found out she's not on the Adoption Contact Register. She recently fell in love with her best friend who jilted her for someone else.

Apologies to readers for the recent delay in postings (I got stranded abroad without internet access!).

tuesday
Met Bethan for lunch, a lovely woman who moved into my old house when I moved out. She was talking about how her son, Casper (he's eight now) didn't see his father at all in the first years of his life. The thing that irritated her most about Casper was his laugh, high pitched and grating. The first time she took him to see his dad when he was 4 she was shocked to realise that their laughs were identical. He laughed just like his dad. It didn't irritate her so much after that! She said there were other similarities that she noticed especially how they walked, their gait was identical. She was so surprised to see how the strong the genetic factor was. I was fascinated to hear her talking about it especially by her surprise. Something was driven home for me. That family connection.

thursday
This morning I got up and decided that today I would try to get hold of details of the adoption agency that dealt with my abandonment. I want to see if they do mediation between adoptees and birth parents. Why today? After waiting, getting used to the idea that I knew where my mother lived, integrating the information, something has moved on in me and I feel ready to initiate contact. Of course then the timing becomes someone else's, either my mother's or the agency itself. For now it's still my time. Just realised that it's my birthday next month. Maybe that's why I'm moving forward in the process.

I rang social services in Brighton and spoke to their adoption section. It was funny the woman one the other end was very caring but their was something in her voice that was treating me with more care than she would any caller, it was like she was thinking I must be nice to this person because they are adopted!! I'm not being paranoid, I could hear it in her voice. I was trying to find out which adoption agency would have dealt with my adoption. She said that in the 1960's there were a lot of private adoption agencies which no longer exist. Anyway she said for us to look at your file you need to get in touch with social services in Bristol and then they will get in touch with us on your behalf. This makes me feel impotent, I'm not allowed to act for myself and now it's all going to take longer. Why can't I order my own adoption papers? I feel angry. I put that to one side and asked if they provided a mediation service for adoptees wanting to make contact with their birth families. (My brother definitely recommends that I do any contacting my mother through an intermediary.) She said I would have to go through another agency for that and she told me about NORCAP. (That stands for National Organisation for Counselling Adoptees and Parents). So I got their number from her and I've left a message on their answer machine asking for their information pack, I really wanted to talk to someone and start the contacting process right away…… but there was no one there.

saturday
Well it's the weekend and I haven't heard from NORCAP. I got a letter this morning that looked bulky enough to contain their information pack but it wasn't from them and I was disappointed. As it's Saturday today there's not much I can do. I wish now that I'd just kept ringing them until I spoke to someone. Now that I've decided to get in touch I want it to happen soon! I will ring first thing on Monday, I'll have to leave myself a big note on my desk otherwise I might forget! I've noticed how often in this search process it just slips my mind what I've set myself to do next. It's easy for me to get on with the more urgent things that need doing in my life and forget about the important things. First thing Monday…….

sunday
In my counselling session Sue role played my birth mum, she asked - 'Do you forgive me?' and the 'no' came out before I could even draw a breath. I didn't know it was there, that unforgiveness, so quick. 'How can I forgive you for leaving me?' Well of course I can and in my head I do. When other people talk about adoption they talk about the pressure mother's were under to give up their babies. At the time I was adopted single mothers, let alone young single mothers, were social outcasts. They couldn't get places to live, people talked about them in the street, it was hard to get a job, and their families rejected them. I am angry with society not my mother - but that's all head stuff, rational thought processes. In my heart I haven't finished grieving, I haven't healed enough to forgive you. My heart is still broken. Perhaps meeting you will make a difference. That's a scary thought. What will I need to hear in order to feel compassion for you. That you missed me dreadfully, that you thought of me every….how often would be enough....once a month, once a week, on my birthday or will it have to be every day for the last 38 years. When I've heard other birth mothers say that that they thought of their child every day I always wonder about my mother. That's quite a pressure for her isn't it? It makes me realise what birth mother's might be thinking 'What is it my child needs to hear to accept me as the human being that I am? What I choose to say, how I phrase it, even the tone of my voice could effect how the rest of our relationship goes.'

And what if she didn't grieve? What if she just got with the rest of her life as the social workers suggested? What if she forgot about me with the birth of her new children? What if as each of her babies were born the picture of my face slowly faded until she could no longer recall what I looked like? What then? Or what if the pain was too great and the support so meagre that she numbed out, closed her heart to me so that she could function in her life? After all I know about numbness. How it sets in if we have no outlet for the emotions we feel, when we have no one to turn to, no one to ask how we feel about the terrible things that sometimes happen in our lives. Will I judge her for feeling numb or will I wonder at the similarities between us?

To be continued next week.......