week 19 - beginning 15th April 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's fallen in love with her best friend who might be embarking on a relationship with someone else, also called Emma! She's also found out that her birth mother isn't on the Adoption Contact Register.

tuesday
My Landlord's ex-girlfriend (she went off with another man a week before their wedding) was adopted too, by strange coincidence her adopted name is the same as my birth name. Nicola Salter. Just for a second I got confused and thought that she must be my sister, my heart rate went right up! But how's this for a coincidence: Una met an actress last week at a party who had recently found out who her birth mum was - it turns out that she'd been using her birth mother's name as a pseudonym for the stage without knowing it.

wednesday
You'll never guess what happened today. I was at college in my computer programming class. I always sit next to the same guy. Michael. We help each other out with assignments and stuff. Anyway I noticed that we were both writing with red pens, I never usually write in red and because I love coincidences I couldn't resist saying something about it. He was sweet and laughed rather than looking at me like I'm a nutter which most people do when I get excited about coincidences. But then get this: a bit later he asked what I was going to do when I finished the course. I told him I'd carry on doing what I was doing now but with more skills. So he asked what I was doing now and I told him about the magazine I do and the adoption web site. He showed quite a lot of interest in the web site and I found myself telling him all about it. And then said he was adopted too!

Can you believe it we've been sitting next each other for weeks chatting about this and that having a laugh and it turns out he's adopted! And cop this he's trying to write about it too………..he wanted the site address and we're going to meet up to talk about all the issues - he has found both sides of his birth family and I got the sense that for him it's bought up more issues than it's resolved and he's kind of on the run from all three of his families now, searching for a clean break. A sobering thought for me as I reach for my past. It's worse for him because he's black adopted into a white family, he's angry about that. Angry at the unaware racism he had to experience growing up.

So it might not be a bed of roses then! I feel he was kind of warning me, a bit like my younger brother Jamie really. Jamie used to say he had this memory of before he was adopted, he remembers being in his pram looking up and seeing roses. He used to talk about how if he hadn't been adopted things would have turned out alright for him. I didn't have so much sympathy in those days - well this is what we've got you'd better get on with it - I just couldn't compute what he was saying because my way of coping with it all was to understand everything and deny that it had any painful effect. Roses that's what he remembers.

friday
Ken rang. Said they were thinking of adopting. They've been trying to get pregnant for ages and its beginning to look like they aren't able to conceive. They are very philosophical about it. Mary's had enough of the IVF drug treatments and so now they're thinking of adopting. I feel like it would be nice to be an aunt but it's not a very strong feeling. Would this feeling be stronger if they were blood relatives. Also wonder if I'll feel more connection if they are adopted rather than their blood children because I would feel a common bond with them, a sympathy with their abandonment.

I talked to Ken about contacting my birth mother he's advised me to say that I'll respect my birth mother's privacy if she doesn't want to see me or doesn't want me to contact other members of her family (our family?). This makes me angry. I think all adopted children have the right to one meeting with their birth parents. Mary said that if they've been avoiding it for years they won't want it all brought up again - even so it's my right. If you bore the pain of giving me away you can bear the pain of seeing me again. Maybe you'll be proud of me mum. You'll see dad in my face or your aunty Sue - you'll say oh you've got Jo Jo's eyes, or you look just like your fathers brother. You'll stroke my face and say how well I've grown, how alive I look. How proud of me you are.

sunday
Today I realised it's been nearly 6 months since I found out where my birth mother lives (I can hardly believe it's been so long) I must start the next stage of the process. I'd like to meet her before the end of the year.

To be continued next week.......