week 16 - beginning 19th March 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's fallen in love with her best friend who might be embarking on a relationship with someone else, also called Emma! She's also sent off to register on the Adoption Contact Register.

monday
First case of suspected foot and mouth in Bristol, at one of the city farms.

wednesday
Sally called today wanting to know of a good herbalist for her friend who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Years ago when she first discovered she was pregnant Sally tried to abort her unborn child using natural herbs. The main ingredient of her concoction was parsley. Her boy child survived that onslaught and she decided to keep him. He's 10 now and can not abide parsley. I was at his birth, he got stuck and had to be pulled out. He was put in an incubator for 3 days. The only physical contact he had was his mother's hand through a hole in the side of the incubator. Now at night when he can't sleep and works himself into a state the only thing that calms him is her hand placed over his heart as she did those first days. The body remembers. As for me I was distraught by his birth and couldn't stop crying for hours afterwards. When we got home his dad locked himself into is room with a 6 pack of beer and I lay on my bed and sobbed. It was the only time in my life that I couldn't stop myself from crying. My reaction made me wonder about the distress I would have felt at my own birth, even if it had been straightforward physically. Born into fear, anger and shame. The sentence of separation from my mum hanging over my head. I didn't need a glass box.

thursday
I can't help wondering what it felt like being carried in someone's body who didn't want me there. I'm sure I felt fear. I'm sure I tried to communicate with my mother. Tried to reassure her. Keep me with you.

saturday
Got up early and went for a swim. Came back in ………. and picked up my post. There was a private and confidential official looking letter and my first reaction was what have I done now!! Anyway it said ONS on it but I still didn't get it until I slit the envelope open and took the folded piece of paper out..................

Dear Miss Rivers
I can confirm that your name and address have been entered in Part 1 of the Adoption Contact Register in accordance with your request. Unfortunately, there is no relative registered in Part 2 at the moment. If/when a relative registers in part 2, his/her name and address together with the relationship will be sent to you at your address shown above.

Should your wishes about making contact or name/address change at any time please inform this office in writing quoting the above reference number.

Yours sincerely
Kim Kent

So she's not on the list. Probably she's never heard of it, after all I only did when I saw Claire Short a labour party Member of Parliament on T.V. after being reunited with her birth son. So now I'm on the register and she isn't. Not much point in that. I slumped completely after reading the letter. Deflated. My body sort of hunched over and it feels like I haven't stood up straight since. Felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come. It's like a poisonous numbness set in. I still managed to put out the paper for recycling as it's Monday but it felt like I was comatose.

And now typing this my arms have gone funny. My hands feel strange like they're slightly swollen. Like my blood is trying to get out. I don't want to be in this body. And now I'm crying. (So that statement has some significance then!) I notice I'm banging on the keyboard much harder than usual, I guess it's time to ring one of my counsellors. I've got my business partner coming for a breakfast meeting. I want to feel at least a bit alive for that as I haven't seen him since he moved to Scotland and probably won't see him again for ages.

Had a little fantasy while I was typing that once (if) we've met she'll join the register anyway so that I can get a letter through the post that shows me she wants contact!

Well it was great to ring Sue for some counselling time I cried, shook and yawned (apparently yawning is releasing physical tensions, I yawn a lot when I counsel on this stuff.) Imagine the physical tensions of being terrified out of your wits at such a young age when you need the security and the comfort of your mother's arms.

I remember the first time I cried really hard about my adoptive mum's death, I'd been reading about gestalt therapy. They were saying to put a cushion in front of you, and talk to the cushion as if it really was the person you wanted to talk to, say whatever comes in to your head. Well I did that and talked to my dead mother! I don't remember what I said but I cried really hard for about half an hour and then I yawned like the most massive yawns I had ever done in my life for another half an hour. I was fascinated by the yawning and knew there as some connection but not what. Years later I heard that yawning released physical tension. It's obvious really that suppressing our feelings takes a toll on our body. That's partly why it's so vital that when hard things happen in children's lives they are encouraged to talk about them, or use drawing and play to work through the painful feelings rather than the things themselves made into taboos like death and adoption were when I was young.

To be continued next week.......