week 14 - beginning 5th March 2001

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's fallen in love with her best friend who might be embarking on a relationship with someone else, also called Emma!

monday
I've hardly ever felt jealousy in my life and when I have I've quickly rationalised it away so that I don't have to feel it for long. A few years ago
I started to wonder if I didn't feel jealously simply because I'd never been involved enough on an emotional level with someone. Then I fell in love with Michael and recognised with a searing pain that if we were lovers I would experience jealousy. I realised that I had moved forward, that I was letting myself be attracted to people where the emotional connection would be so deep that I would get to feel things that I had buried a long time ago. And now I'm attracted to someone where I feel the potential for love and connection is enormous. And I feel that somehow I couldn't bear it if he was lovers with someone else the same time as me. That's the feeling. I couldn't bear it. Not at the moment any way. And I've realised that this threat of loosing him has intensified my feelings for him, my fear of loosing him has hooked me into him in a way that wouldn't have happened if we could have taken things slowly, if he wasn't about to embark on a relationship with someone else. I wish I wasn't triggered into a fear state at the thought of loosing him. I need time to really feel what I feel for him, not for my body to feel it's survival is threatened, not the constant adrenaline rush that I've been feeling, not my body reliving an old crisis situation.

tuesday
John rang it seems Emma is trying to stay open to him having two lovers. He said the worst thing he could possibly have said to me about that, he said 'if she could cope so could I' - well that maybe true but it's a dangerous path for me to go down so soon. It's actually a miracle that I'm letting him see that I'm jealous, that I'm saying what I want, that I'm letting myself feel how afraid I am. All my life I've coped, rationalised and understood too much in my head without really getting it at all. Like understanding when I was 10 years old why my Dad was so much more besotted with my sister than he was with me instead of feeling the pain of rejection that I loved him so much yet on some level I felt I didn't exist for him because I wasn't his biological child. One more part of my feeling system became lost to me that day as I struggled to understand instead of feel. It would have been hard for me to do anything else. If I'd felt my jealousy or the unfairness of it perhaps all the other feelings I'd suppressed would have come up and overwhelmed me. My understanding saved me but it came at a price and sometimes I feel maybe I'm not up to the bravery it's going to take in me to fully recover my authentic feeling system. Now I'm crying.

I'd planned a bit of phone counselling time earlier with Dennis (we did our first co-counselling class together 13 years ago and have been counselling ever since) so rang him. I just read some of what I'd written and cried really hard for 15 minutes. Felt better!

thursday
Feel like something has shifted today. Of course I'm brave enough!! I just need to think well about myself and get enough support not let myself get isolated with the feelings so that they turn in on themselves and gnaw away at my insides ruining my days. I want to live well I want to enjoy falling in love if that's what I'm going to do. I want to face my pain with hope……….if my aim is to recover myself completely then the situation I'm in deserves more of my excitement. I could welcome my fear! As long as I can get it out…..and it doesn't fester inside me.

saturday
I've just filled in the Adoption Contact Register form. One of the questions was 'adopted mother's name' it was funny writing down Aline because she's dead and it makes her seem alive. They will just assume that she is. If they find my birth mother's details on the list they will send them to me, although they won't send mine to her.

The leaflet says the list 'provides a safe and confidential way for birth parents and other relatives to assure an adopted person that contact would be welcome (and to give a current address). I'm relieved that someone understands the trauma involved in contacting someone who abandoned you at birth and who might not want to meet with you now. It would be so exciting if her name is on the list, although not a lot of people know about it. It's not as if when the list started there was a national campaign to make sure everyone knew about it, nor did they write to every parent who'd given up their child for adoption and let them know of this opportunity to reassure their long lost child. So what are the chances? I probably won't let myself feel my disappointment if she's not on it.

Dear diary I have just made out the cheque to go with my application. I've written the envelope very neatly, attached the cheque with a blue paper clip, folded the form into 3 and placed it inside the envelope. As I read the form over my hands were tingling and part of my head tingled to, a part inside my brain. It feels like the most significant thing I've ever put in an envelope. Time definitely went slower, although I have to say my whole life didn't pass before my eyes, in fact none of it did!! It just felt slower in the sense that I was very present noticing every detail of what I was doing. My hands are still tingling. It's like a hot heat vibrating through my hands, although they are cold to touch. I sealed the envelope slowly. That's it now I'll post it and wait. It takes two to three weeks to process an application. Will I forget about it and one day see the reply on the door mat or will I be checking the post every day?

To be continued next week.......