week 12 - beginning 19th February 2001

to see previous entries first click here

monday
Moved house to Bristol. I'm renting a cosy attic room at the top of a big house owned by an acquaintance of mine. Its quiet here. I'll sleep well.

Went to choir practise and left feeling at one with the world, singing does that to me.

wednesday
Second day at college - really got into it. It's nice being able to cycle there. Afterwards rehearsed song with Julie for her birthday party, it didn't go very well. Got home feeling low, thinking about dying a lot. At the moment I'm okay when I'm actively involved in something but in those moments in between……now I'm thinking what's the point in learning about computers when there are abandoned children in the world. What is the point in learning about computers when there are orphanages all over the world. One of my friends once said to me 'We have all abandoned the abandoned children'.

I feel lonely tonight like I'm not getting closer to people. I'm discouraged by that. I think of my mood after choir and how at one I felt with the world, like I belonged to it. And now well maybe I'm just tired, I didn't get much sleep last night. I try to remember that connection is inside, inside me.

I wonder if I feel low because of moving. Does it remind of being wrenched from the safety of my mother's arms? Does it remind me of being given to strange parents and feeling completely alone? After all I am living in a house of strangers. It would certainly explain the hopelessness I'm feeling.

thursday
I've been thinking about what to do next about my search. (It sounds funny still calling it a search when I know where my mum lives but I am still searching for her). I feel like I need to take some steps first before I arrange to meet her. I can't just go from finding out where she lives to trying to contact her, I have to do something in between to make it a bit more real. I need some stepping stones.
To do list:
1. Contact the Adoption Contact Register and see if my birth mum has put      her name on it
2. Find out if she has other children
3. Visit the town she lives in……her local library might have details of      births and deaths in the family.

friday
I rang up the Adoption Contact Register and asked what I had to do to get my name put on it. The woman the other end said 'Are you adopted?' I felt joy, I felt normal. No one has ever asked me that before! She's going to send me some forms to fill in.

To be continued next week.......................

* The UK Children Act 1989 provides for the General registrar to operate an Adoption Contact Register. It was introduced on 1 May 1991 for adoptees and their birth relatives (includes the adopted person's birth parents and anyone related by blood, half blood or marriage) to assure that contact would be welcome and to give a current address.