week 30 - beginning 30th June 2001
Parent-child bond

to see previous entries first click here

Update - Emma's known where her birth mother lives for 6 months now and also found out she's not on the Adoption Contact Register which makes her more nervous about contacting her. She recently fell in love with her best friend, John, who jilted her for someone else, and now it looks like she might be getting involved with somebody else herself. She has decided to have her adoption social worker be her intermediary, so it looks like she is about ready to take the next step in her search for her mother.

tuesday
Last time I saw Alison (my social worker) she asked me what would I want to know if she only had one phone conversation with my mother and that was the end of any contact between us. I'd been trying to think about it but had given up and today it came to me. I would want to know what happened to me during the 8 weeks that I was with her. How did she feel during that time and how did she feel giving me up? What was I like? What did she do with me? Did she sing to me? Did she hold me? Did she breast feed me? I felt pleased to have thought of something knowing that Alison needs an answer and knowing my answer will make her job easier if she only has limited contact with my mother.

thursday
On the drive over to Andy's I notice that I'm excited at the thought of seeing him. We had wild salmon for dinner and then went down to beach and nearly got stranded on a rock. We had to wade through the water to get back to the shore. We snogged again! And I started it which is rare for me with someone new - felt very good about that. And of course it was received in the spirit intended. I noticed that when we parted I didn't feel insecure and don't think I'll be waiting for him to contact me. I wonder if the difference is that this time I took the initiative and so feel empowered in some way that I didn't when he took the initiative. But maybe I just don't feel very connected to him. He said we should do more things together. I didn't really respond to that, I guess because I don't trust that he means it, I think that when it comes down to it if he sees me more than now and then he'll feel threatened and push me away (I know what he's like!). I don't know if I want a relationship with him or not.

saturday
I picked a book lying on the kitchen table called All about love - New Visions by Bell Hooks. It fell open on a page with the following quote on:

Severe separations in early life leave emotional scars on the brain because they assult the essential human connection: The [parent-child} bond which teaches us that we are loveable. The [parent-child} bond which teaches us how to love. We cannot be whole human beings - indeed we may find it hard to be human - without the sustenance of this first attachment. (Judith Viorst Necessary Losses Simon & Schuster 1986)

The bit that gets me is the bit about the parent-child bond teaching us that we're loveable. That's the bit I feel I missed out on. Somewhere inside me I feel that there must be something really wrong with me for my mother to have left me, to have not wanted me. How then can I be loveable? And how will anyone else be able to love me if she couldn't?

sunday
Went to a drumming festival yesterday for the day with my friend Melonie, it was great to be with her but I didn't really enjoy the festival, although the sauna was great. Mel's an amazing woman. Got herself off drugs and alcohol and trained as a counsellor. We laugh a lot together, often at ourselves, and I marvel at the resilience of human beings, although I must say I don't feel very resilient today. I've caught a cold and I'm depressed. I had some counselling time on the phone and cried like a tiny baby. I did feel better afterwards but then carried on crying and felt worse again maybe it was because I cried on my own, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. My eyes keep welling up with tears that now and then spill over.

I wonder if it's because I feel ready to take the next step in finding my birth mother and so a deeper level of grief is coming up.

To be continued.......